Feeling like You Don’t Belong

I was actually an architecture student and studied in London for six years. Last year, I returned to Hong Kong after completing my studies, intending to stay in my hometown due to my family and friends being here. I expected it to feel like home, but it didn't. Despite everything being somewhat unchanged, such as my church, family, and friends, I no longer felt like I belonged. It didn't feel the same as it did six years ago when I left. It's possible that my breakup played a role in this feeling. Perhaps identifying myself as a person belonging to my ex-girlfriend contributed to it. People in relationships often feel a sense of belonging or comfort with their significant other, and I was with my ex for most of my time in London. Reflecting on my life before the breakup, it was comfortable and liberating. We lived in a bubble, and the world revolved around the two of us. I also attended a church in London formed by a community of Hong Kong students. During the summer, I would return and spend time with friends, family, and my ex's family. Trying to delve deeper into my memories, did I truly feel like I belonged back then? Well, not really.

In fact, in most situations, I felt out of place. For example, during family gatherings with my extended family, I always felt like I didn't belong and that there was somewhere else I should be. The same applied to being with my ex's family. They treated me well and were hospitable, but I felt like they were more financially well-off, and I didn't want to be part of that seemingly lavish lifestyle (though it wasn't actually lavish, it felt that way at the time). Perhaps I had some anti-rich sentiment back then. This feeling also extended to church, where I was warmly greeted, but I couldn't connect with the enthusiasm around me. So overall, I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere, except when I was alone at home or with my ex-girlfriend. It was in those moments that I truly felt like myself.

Perhaps feeling at home or belonging somewhere is related to being able to express oneself freely. When people feel they can be their true selves, they tend to feel more at home and comfortable. But what encourages or enables a person to express themselves freely?

Another reason why I didn't feel like I belonged was the feeling that I belonged somewhere else. Sometimes, when I was with my family, I felt like I should be with my ex. Other times, when I was with my ex, I felt like I should be with my family. It's frustrating because it's not about a physical place but rather a different moment in time. I often longed to travel back to a time when I had no worries, perhaps my kindergarten years or an amazing trip to Greece in the past. On the other hand, I wanted to fast forward to a future moment where I am happily married, have kids, or even retired. I find myself constantly dreaming about the past or the future, but rarely living in the present moment. This could be another topic to explore, the concept of living in the moment. So what actually enables a person to live in the current moment or desire to be in their present situation?

I believe that if we want to belong, we need to be in a place where we feel at home. That means being able to be our true selves. As an introvert like myself, the first step might be to be true to ourselves in front of others. It can be scary, as there's a fear of judgment and the possibility that people might find us awkward and leave. This fear is reinforced by my ex-girlfriend leaving me after I revealed my true self. However, if we want to feel like we belong, we must first feel like we belong to ourselves. That might be the initial step. Once we feel like we belong to ourselves by being our authentic selves when we're alone, we can gain more confidence in being our true selves in front of others. Only then can we experience the feeling of being understood by others, which gives us a sense of belonging and finding our kind of people.

Regarding not being able to live in the present moment, I think part of it involves practicing gratitude for what we currently have. Our life is now, it's not in the past, and it's not the future we envision. Of course, it's easier said than done. However, there's a quote from the character Andy in the show "The Office" (portrayed by Ed Helms) that might be relevant: "I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you actually left them."

So, what are your thoughts? Have you ever felt like you didn't belong to any group or wished to be somewhere else? Why do you think you feel this way? Please comment below, as I would love to know!